still lost
the last few months have been fucking exhausting. the kind of exhaustion that seeps deep into your bones and makes you wish you were a fictional character and not a real living being.
after I took the decision I felt was the best for me and I sensed a modicum of relief, as always something happened and I was dragged back in again without any real choice or say in the matter, and so I stayed against my own will. I just wish I was allowed to exist without having to perform happiness and wellness for other people, to be alone. to not be the load bearing wall that can't leave without the castle tumbling down.
like with everything with my family there is this unshakable feeling that I am not actually wanted, nor welcome. seeing how they are with their friends and other family, it always feels like I'm tolerated at best. but still I have to be there, for the family, to show we are united, like some kind of sick puppet show.
and after all this I can't wait not to go home at the end of the day, go far away from everything I know. back to that moment sitting in the park bench near the ocean with a beer on my hand under the rain when I should have said something.
I can't fucking breathe again, too much pressure. so guess I'll go back to therapy before it gets worse, to the only person I can really tell what I mean without ruining things and who can hear my thoughts without waiting for their turn to speak.