loneliness
loneliness has changed my perception of self worth, connection and place in the world. it’s like my life is just within these four walls and the occasional treat to show me what’s out there out of reach.
and that made me realize I don't like the state I am in, I need things to change. so I went back to therapy after a hiatus, and I got some help in figuring how I can be so lonely when I am surrounded by people every day. why I am constantly dreaming about being a kid and feeling like the last place I belonged was my teenager room, where the Internet was still a place I'd go to to see my friends, and my imagination still took me to beautiful places. and that the reason I every day wake up feeling I shouldn't exist is my body reacting to the fact everyone I hold dear depends on me and that puts so much pressure on me I can't breathe.
and if I can't breathe soon I'll just drown.