it's been a while
the whiplash has been hard to control lately. one moment I am sitting in my car in front of a concert venue where my friends are and thinking that if I'd just disappear no one would notice. the other I see a smile that for a brief moment pulls me out of it and makes me feel things I haven't in a long while. like I actually matter and I am not just someone that they depend on, that I maybe could settle in my own skin.
last night I had to go back and pack more of my stuff from what used to be my corner of the world, and I just couldn't feel anything, numb. no sadness, no rage, no happiness, just muted. maybe it was because all I could think was about today?
today I witnessed one of the most beautiful days in such a long while and I don't know how to feel about it. it's like I've been floating in limbo, trying to fit between the lines, trying to close my eyes and stop being afraid and angry with myself. maybe this is how you begin feeling something?
and now my heart races every time I think what could happen if they knew the truth. that even in the first time in years I actually felt really seen the voice in the back of my head still tells me I am not worth it, and that maybe I hate my life so much that I just hold on to moments like these to keep me away from ending it. maybe they would say it doesn't matter, maybe they'd hate me too. maybe they would feel it's not worth it. if they do, I pray to god that they'll lie.