i'm no one's number one
there's something wrong with me and I can't fix it. it's like I can't stop feeling this crippling loneliness despite being surrounded by people.
deep down I know there are people that care about me on their own way, I'm sure my kids love and miss me, but I don't have that one person that I know is always thinking about me. I'm no one's number one.
and this feeling is really lonely, when I think I don't have anyone and also I don't know when or if I will. that when I go to bed and I'm only in my mind and no one else's I begin to question if I even exist in that moment.
for years I grew up feeling unseen by my friends, my family, my lover, and I compensated by pouring myself into everyone else, hoping that some day, someone, would pour back into me. and I don't feel anyone ever did, or will.
I had a conversation a couple of days ago with her, and it just made me feel so alone I am still reeling from it. I told her how I was afraid she would leave me, and she replied that she just doesn't want to put the effort again into meeting new people, and how she now isn't afraid of thinking "what if I meet someone?" when she goes to a festival or a party because she now has confidence in herself and in our relationship which she didn't have before in her last one. and I just can't stop thinking how she pours herself into her friends, and she says she already found her person in her best friend, and I won't ever be her number one either.
and it pains me to admit it, but it made me so jealous of the grip her past love still has on her, how I feel she still loves him and can't let go, and I just hope one day she'll love me that way too.