fighting myself
been doubling the therapy sessions and I am trying really hard not to get back on the meds. it's ironic how antidepressants just made me feel like my ribs are nothing but an empty cage and grew the black hole in my chest instead of actually helping me.
I told her I feel like this place is not a home and there's an emptiness I can't ignore any more, I don't belong here, but I can't get myself to do what I need to change things. that I rather just go to sleep and not wake up anymore, or close my eyes and suddenly everything vanished. and again she was worried I'll do something to ruin it forever, but I told her that it would only end up making more regrets, so I'll just fight these thoughts myself, even if I always lose.
this time we tried to role-play how I'd tell people around me how I really feel, but my delivery always falls short. they told me they'd never let go, love me until the end, but they don't actually see me like I want to be seen, so tell me, what do I tell them? that I am allowed to crash out and have time for myself, when I don't even know if I believe that myself? that I feel I am being selfish even though I don't feel I even deserve to exist?
lately I have been having what feels like emotional whiplash. I am surrounded with friends and I am happy, grateful, laughing. then on the walk home I am broken, hating myself, everyone around me, and this world, and break down crying in the middle of the street.
it's so hard to want to tell everyone the last few years were the worst years of my life and left me fucked up past the point of feeling life is worth living. and I was too late to tell them, so now I can only think how great it would be to make this tightness in my heart to go away. but don't know how.