cursed rollercoaster
sometimes my friend jokes that I am cursed, and honestly I am starting to believe them. after years of being alone surrounded by people, I tried to find space for myself, a place I could belong, and maybe choose myself for a change. and at my first attempt at meeting other people I find someone, the most magical and beautiful person I have ever met.
what followed was a rollercoaster that I just can't make sense of. one where when I am with her I get lost in her eyes and I really feel like I exist, like in that bar late at night just absorbing that light that she was shining on me, but when I am not there for her I am back to the usual emptiness, thinking I don't deserve this, and I am not who anyone wants. because she nearly left me once after those days, what if she leaves me for good?
when I close my eyes all I can see is her smile and feeling seen for the first time in so long, those two days in a foreign city where the closest I ever felt to being alive, but the thoughts in my head keep telling me I also didn't belong there, and that it won't last. maybe trying to find a place for me is a losing fight and I just have to learn to live with my demons, because they are the only ones still left by my side.