can't change others
some time ago my best friend of all time, someone I shared a life with for close to twenty fucking years, saw me leaving the house we once shared and I don't know what hurts the most, her not fighting for me or that I didn't want her to.
I poured everything I am to fill everyone else around me, but they bled their disease back into my empty vessel, and as soon as I felt they were getting better I realized I was the one being changed, and I hate what they turned me into.
I spent so many years alone surrounded by people, like I was swimming up a current that was there just for me, out of sync with the world. and now I wonder if they were ever in love with me or just didn't want to be alone too.
for so many years I was everyone's rock, adapting to every room I walk into, in one room I made myself small so people wouldn't leave, in another I was strong and funny, in another I was quieter. and I now wake up in a foreign bed and I don't know who I am anymore. which version of me was real?
I am the diluted consequence of my own actions, depleted of emotional energy in unstable bets. And I know I've gotta remember to take care of myself, because if people wanted to change they would, I can't do it on their behalf. but every time I lower my arms I just hate myself even more.